My name is Sally and I’m addicted to Survivor. It started when I was training for my half marathon and always did my long runs on Wednesday nights at the gym. Watching their crazy challenges inspired me to keep running because my workout wasn’t nearly as strenuous as what those contestants were going through. (Ironic, no, because I was training this race as a cancer survivor?)
The 29th season, “Blood vs. Water” starts tonight. To prepare/fill the immunity idol-shaped hole in my heart during the off season, I’ve been watching lots of old episodes. As I did so, I’ve realized that I would be TERRIBLE at Survivor. Here are the top ten reasons why I should never go on Survivor:
- I hate snakes. I can’t even look when they’re on the screen, and they’re a required accessory for every Survivor island.
- I get really grumpy when I’m cold.
- I’m a leader and since I’m a woman, people would probably label me “bossy” and vote me out quickly.
- I have the world’s WORST poker face. Don’t ever play poker with me. Or do, but make sure we’re not on the same team. I wouldn’t be able to lie to anyone. (This alone immediately disqualifies me from being on Big Brother.)
- Did I mention how much I hate snakes?
- I also hate spiders. And scorpions (but does anyone like them?).
- I would immediately get a headache from all that sun (and I believe sunglasses are banned for cinematic reasons).
- I would burn to a crisp on day 1, and never stop worrying about it.
- I am the worst at slide puzzles. If my life depended on it, I would probably keep working on it until I died with it still unfinished.
- I would quit the game over a jar of peanut butter. I’m in love with peanut butter here, where there are unlimited quantities to be had. Put me on an island and I’ll sell you my buff in return for a spoonful.
I also have my talents. I know the basics of building a shelter, I’m a good swimmer, I can start a fire (though I’d need to learn how to use flint). But I think those other items will keep me from sending Jeff Probst my application. Instead, I’m content to have civilized adventures and see how this drama unfolds from my couch.
Do you think you could win the title of Sole Survivor?